I don’t wanna be anything other than me.

Apr 5, 2012

Lately Ive been feeling like I need to do something more. Like I need to make a differnece somehow but I don’t know how or what I am
looking for. How do you make your life matter? I want to know I’m affecting someones life in a positive way that leaves a real impact.
I feel like right now I’m just living, but I’m not doing anything important, or making any sort of lasting impact.

One of my favorite T.V shows “One Tree Hill” came to an end last night. This show has always been a huge inspiration for me. I’ve
never connected with a show like I have with “One Tree Hill” It’s weird to have grown up with a show, and watch it come to an end. For
the last 9 years One Tree Hill has been a huge part of my life, bigger then I could have ever imagined. Which is weird since it is
just a show, but it’s also so much more. I was in 10th grade when One Tree Hill began. I really do believe part of who am I is because
of what I learned from watching this show. It definitely has always inspired me to make my life matter, and to do great things.

I put a lot of emotion behind everything I do. I always consider the fact that everything I’m doing has the ability to change my life,
and to leave a lasting memory so I always try to make whatever I am doing count. I really think a huge part of why I’m like that is
from this show, or maybe I connect with the show so well because I am like that? I guess I’m not sure but I do know One Tree Hill has
given me direction, courage, and it has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve learned about my compassion, and to never be afraid to care
too much about anything. I’m never in fear of loving something or someone too much, and I don’t regret taking chances. I’m not afraid
of rejection. I’ll always regret not sharing my feelings so openly or to have others not know how I feel, but I’ll never regret the
fact that I did share my feelings. Rejection and dissapointment is a part of life and it’s important to experience it. It’s how you
learn about yourself and what’s important to you.

Back to the show for a second.. I feel like it’s time for it to end, but I’ll miss having it in my life. It’s the end of an era. The
show had such a beautiful cast and it was awesome watching them grow up with the show. It may have not always been the most creative  story line or the best acting but they always did everything in their own way and made it special. They new how to connect with their fans, and they created really inspiring messages during every season. In my opinion the best and most real episode was the school shooting. Which was a huge epsiode for the remaing premise of the show, if you are a fan you know what I am talking about. That episode was so real, and important. It would be impossible to not grasp the emotion behing every scene in that episode. Of course
there was tons of other episodes that were amazing, and heart warming, or inspiring. I just think that one was exceptionally amazing. My love for music began with this show, music is a huge part of “One Tree Hill” and the show really showed me how much music can affect your life and your feelings. Music is therapy to me now and a huge part of my life, so I’m very thankful this show helped me find that. It was a show about growing up, like tons of shows are but this one just knew how to really connect with the fans.

The biggest impact I get from this show is how everything we do affects everyones life and it’s important to do great things so that you
make real impact that matters. Last nights episode reminded me how important it is to me to make a difference but I’m still struggling
with how to. Maybe there isn’t one thing that I can do that will fufill this feeling. Maybe I’ll never feel like I’m making an impact,
I’m not sure. I guess we all search and wonder what were supposed to be doing right? Still I have this feeling there is something
more I can be doing, I just need to find it. Until then I’ll just keep being me because I know through all my faults I have a lot of
great qualities too and I will eventually find exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Until then I’ll just continue this lovely roller coaster called life.

Make a wish and place it in your heart.
Anything you want, everything you want.
Do you have it? Good!
Now believe it can come true.
You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from.
The next memory, the next smile, the next whish come true.
But if you believe that it’s right around the corner
and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it,
to the certainty of it.
You just might get the thing you wished for,
The world is full of magic.
You just have to believe in it.
So make your wish. Do you have it?
Good! Now believe in it with all your heart.

Sharing inspiration.

Jan 22, 2012

I just read a blog from one of my favorite musician and writer Chad Sugg, I related so much to what he had said that I want to share it.

“I’m pretty sure I’m like everyone you’ve ever met, and I’m like no one you’ve ever met.
I have the same emotions/feelings as everyone, I just express them differently.
I’m quiet. Until you get to know me
I get nervous about things most people probably wouldn’t even notice in day to day life.
I love humans.
I hate how humans treat each other.
I like things that make me feel nostalgic.
When I have nightmares, I wake up and have to turn my TV on to feel safe.
You know when people say they “have big imaginations”? Well, mine really does reach a bit too far at times, in both good and bad ways. It’s why I’m afraid of the dark. It’s also why I believe I like so many of the things I enjoy.
I don’t receive compliments well when they come from people who are close to me, I think it’s because I respect their opinions so much.
I love making friends, but it takes a certain kind of person for me to feel comfortable enough to talk to them regularly.
I hate negativity. (Is that a double negative?)
I like people helping people, and I like when people help people.

When are we gonna realize we’re all the same? We’re all hurting, happy, lost, beautiful, ugly, young, old, tired, learning, trying to forget, trying to remember, wandering, wondering, dreaming… But we don’t know it. We’re all so surprised to hear someone feels the same way as we do. We’re all so shocked when someone “gets it” like we do. Why is that?

I get it, we’re all different… But, I’m beginning to think that pales to the comparison of how alike we are. We all want to be different, but we also want to be the same. We want acceptance. We want love. We want to be heard. We want friends. We want it all.

We’re weird. Humans, that is.
I like it”.

The stuff in purple is stuff I added, otherwise it is no way my own words. Just something I 100% agree with and relate to.

On another note I just was directed to this musician Ed Sheeran and I am in love! Check him out … right now.

Okay time to take my sick self back to bed.

XOXO

Kayla

2012

Jan 4, 2012

I hate “resolutions” I think calling something a resolution automatically sets it up for failure. Besides I make goals all year-long, not just on January 1st. It is however impossible to not think about new goals, or dreams you want to achieve when everyone else is running around talking about it,

So for this year, I have a few things in mind I want to continue to achieve, and a few things I’d like to begin.

• I want to start volunteering. Where is yet to be determined but I’ve thought a lot about it lately and I really want to give back. I am so fortunate in so many ways that I’d love to help others, even if it’s just a small factor in their lives.
• I want to continue to push myself to try new things, and to force myself to try things I’d normally refuse.
• I want to continue (well more so get back on track) my healthy lifestyle.
• I want to embrace my inner girlishness (more so than I already do) .. This one is sort of selfish, and fun. Being girly makes me feel relaxed and happy. Shopping, Accessorizing, Massages, Facials, Baths, and Crafts. It’s my personal R&R and I want to continue to embracing it as a gift to myself.
• I want to spend more time with my family.
• I want to go to more concerts/shows.
• I want to read more.

I could probably continue thinking and come up with a list of a million goals I want to achieve, but mostly I just want to keep being me. I want to make mistakes, so  can learn from them, I want to inspire people, and be inspired. I want to laugh, live, and love.

I will make this year better than any other year (might as well it might be our last :p)

Happy 2012 Everyone!

xoxo Kayla

♥

Jun 19, 2011

♥

I have never heard of The Weepies, or there song “Be My Honeypie” but this video is so heart warming and cute.

It kind of reminds me of one of my favorite songs from Bright Eyes “First Day of My Life”

Not sure if I’ve posted that before or not so I will again just in case!

**Update: Turns out I have heard of The Weepies, just never knew it. Definitely a fan**

A Healthier Lifestyle :D

Jun 12, 2011

I am very much enjoying this healthier lifestyle of mine. I feel so good about all the choices I am making which makes me more determined to continue!

I just signed up for Team Training at Lifetime, which I am so excited about. It’s going to be 3 times a week for 3 months. I can’t wait to start (I begin on the 20th)

Tonight Heidi (my friend, and my best friend’s mother) tried out the Sunday night Zumba class which I think has made it’s way into a permanent spot in my schedule. It was fun seeing another trainer’s moves. I love both the Thursday and Sunday classes. I’m excited to shake my booty twice a week now! :D

On top of working on being more active, I’ve also been trying new (healthier) foods. I have a habit of buying new foods, or buying a lot of healthier foods but still buying the stuff I normally do and then I would just let the healthier or new foods go bad while I ate the other stuff. This time I got ONLY healthier foods, and lots and lots of produce.

The two things I am really excited for are:

1. Kale Chips

2. Lettuce Wraps

I love lettuce wraps. My friend Kayla and I just had some delicious ones at The Wild Onion over the weekend. I also always get them at P.F. Changs. Depending on what sauce is put into the chicken/veggie mixture there not always the best choice but when you make them yourself you can decide just how healthy they are!

I realized something while we were out for dinner, eating the lettuce wraps. Never in my life would I ever order them if I read what was in them. I just wouldn’t .. or at least that’s how I used to be. I was introduced to lettuce wraps by just being told to try them so I did, and loved them. I’ve never read a description of them until Saturday. That made me realize how much other foods I would normally shrug off because it has so many foods I don’t eat normally. Not anymore though!

I’ve decided to set up a recipe page so I can share delicious recipes as I find them :) I have a few other recipes that I used to make a long time ago. Once I find my book in the garage (I am currently working on getting it all cleaned out .. fun project ;/) I will share those with you as well!

I also just signed up to do a 5k marathon with Heidi. We will be walking it this time (she can’t run it because of her knee, and I am no where near ready to run a 5k) but it’s still going to be so much fun and I can’t wait!!

I know a few of my other friends have been really focused on having a healthy lifestyle. It’s so fun reading about what your doing, your progress, and how it’s making you feel. Keep it up :)

Would you change anything?

Jun 3, 2011

I heard this on the radio this morning and wanted to share. It’s so easy to be swept up in our daily routines that I think sometimes we forget what’s REALLY important. If you were dying and looked back at your life right now .. what you have done differently, is there anything you wish you did more of? After you answer that question … do it. Whatever it is, just make the change.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Source

Is it weird …

May 25, 2011

that sometimes “sad” songs make me happier?

Either this is an odd quirk about me or it’s pretty common. I’m sure the mood I am in before I listen to these “sad” songs makes a difference but sometimes after listening to “Sad”, and I put Sad in quotations because I’m not sure if everyone would consider them sad, but I do.  Maybe they aren’t sad they just sound sad but there more inspiring instead?, idk but I get this feeling that I can’t explain … it’s a good feeling though.

Does anyone get what I’m talking about?

This week has been busy and long. Getting up at 4am sure is an adjustment.

I’ve began working out everyday before work. Which means I am up at 4am, at the gym by 4:20 am.

I love the feeling that I am doing something so wonderful for myself. I hope I stick with it, working out is so important. Even if you don’t want to lose weight. It helps your body so much. It’s just something you need to do, End of story. I decided to do it before work because then I won’t get busy, or make excuses.

It’s hard getting up at 4am sometimes, but what’s helped me the most is that I announced I’m doing this on my Facebook. So I have all my family and friends keeping my accountable. That’s actually helped a lot! I can guarantee I would let myself go back to sleep if I hadn’t done that. Once I get to the gym I’m motivated, and ready to go. My biggest thing is getting up and going so I’m really glad I shared this with others so that I actually do go. I plan to share more about this as I continue so stay tuned on that :)

I’m definitely living my life for me right now. Not in a selfish way though, at all. I’m spending more time with everyone I care about, working out to stay healthy and to get healthier, working hard at my job, and focusing on my future. It makes me excited when I think of all the awesome things going on right now. Sometimes I think wow all this good stuff is going on, what’s going to go bad? Then I realize everything that’s good is because I’m focused on my life and improving it. It’s not fate that’s making it good, it’s hard work and dedication and nothing besides giving up can take it away. I like having control of my happiness.

I hope everyone whose reading has had a good week!

May 23, 2011

When nothing is owed, deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.

I am in awe of this photo. One of the most beautiful aspects of photography is one picture can mean so many different things to different people. A photo can remind someone of something they once knew, it can inspire them to do something, or to act a certain way, it can bring happiness, and it can bring sadness.

This photo inspires me, makes me hopeful, and it makes me happy.

To me it resembles uncertainty, hopefulness, and excitement. You can’t see what’s around the bend but you have a feeling whatever it is it’s going to be amazing. Which is how I feel about my life right now. I have no clue what the future has in store but I can feel inside of myself that it’s going to be filled with wonderful things.

I am also in love with this song from The Avett Brothers called “Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full Of Promise”. I encourage you all to go listen .. and to make it easy for you I’ve attached it below. Enjoy :)

https://makebelievetillnothingsreal.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/179/

Raining On Sunday

May 22, 2011

This weekend has been busy, actually this week has been busy. I think today is my first day since … I’m not sure when (at least last weekend but maybe longer) that I’ve spent this much time at home.

A very much needed relaxing day filled with thunderstorms, cleaning, and cuddling with the animals.

Glad to see everyone made it through the Rapture ;) I never put any belief into the idea that it may happen on Saturday but it was fun to make jokes about it, and to have a false reason to go out and celebrate (on Friday .. you know just in case it was our last chance, and on Saturday to celebrate the fact it indeed was not true)

It’s been a gloomy weekend .. but I don’t mind. I love the sunshine, warm weather, and beautiful blue skies but I also love a cloudy day, and  the sound of rain pouring outside. For some reason it gives me a comforting feel. It brings me the same feeling that fall does and I love fall.

Sunday’s especially I love Rain. I think it’s because I love saving Sunday’s as a “lazy” day to do whatever I want and when it’s raining outside you have more of an excuse to hide under the covers with your puppy’s.

I spent a lot of time this weekend with my friend Allie. Her and I have been friends since we were in middle school. Our friendship has had it’s roller coaster moments but in the end we’ve alway’s been there for each other and no matter what we always find our way back to each other. She’s a beautiful person (inside and out) who I can laugh with uncontrollably no matter where we are or what we are doing. I love having her in my life. I know I can count on her for support, for laughter, for times I need to vent, and for times when we just want to have fun and of course she can count on me for all those things as well.

If you haven’t seen Bridesmaids definitely check it out! It’s a fun movie. I saw it with my Sister this weekend we both loved it. My mom and I will be going to see it as well. I recommend it for a fun girls outing!

I stumbled across this quote (literally) and loved it.

I think so many of us believe that you need to be perfect, and we keep searching for perfection. No matter how hard you try things will never be perfect and you will never be perfect. That’s just the way it’s supposed to be. Instead of trying to be perfect, try to love yours and others imperfections.

Magic

May 18, 2011

Warning: The following was edited from a big blob of word vomit I created (sorry Kayla for using the word vomit). The last thing I was worried about was spelling, punctuation, or grammar. I just wrote and wrote .. then I slightly edited so it made some sense and posted. 

Why is there only magic in the movies?  Why dont we ever create our own magic? We just go day to day living life like were supposed to hardly taking risks never going for what you want.

Yes we have our moments, the moments that take our breathe away but not nearly enough. I’m talking about the moments where you say this is what I want and I will do everything to get it. Why dont we ever take anyones breathe away? I want to live a magical life, I want to know that anything I wanted I did everything I could to get. Does that mean I’d get everything I want? No not at all, but I want to know I did everything so I wont have regrets.

I say I’m happy and I am I’m happy. I have a wonderful life: I’m healthy, I have somewhere to live, I have a mother who loves me, I have a brother who has protected me my whole life and has done so much for me. I have a Sister whose been there for me more then I could of ever imagine. I have beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Nieces. Inside and out, those girls are my world. I would do anything for them. Watching the innocence in them is one thing that does take my breathe away. I do not have kids so I do not understand what it means to be a parent but as an Aunt I know I instantly fell in love with both of those girls and I will protect them whenever they need me too for the rest of their lives. I’m so blessed to have them in my life. I have amazing friends, 2 sweet loving dogs who mesh with me so well as if they were just meant to be my dogs. I have a job, not a lot of people can say that these days, and I love my job .. less people can say that. I have a lot of privileges that at times I take for granted but I try not too.

Am I happy? more then I could express. Do I still have my moments? All the time. Is there still something missing? Everyday.

But we all have that right?

I don’t mind having a missing piece .. I hope to always be on the search for another piece to be in my life.

I want the feeling of magic though. I want to take someones breathe away and I want my breathe to be taken away by someone. I wish we all went for what we wanted more rather then just dealing with how it is. I’m not talking about just love and relationships. I’m talking about everything and anything.

Why when we get told no do we go “okay” and then move on? Why don’t we try harder. If it was important for us to go after it in the first place, why do we just shrug it off in the end just because we may have to work harder to get it.

Everyone reading is probably trying to figure out what I was told no to, that I wanted and didn’t get. This is not about anything specific.

I wish our brains had a USB plug in so I could transfer into words exactly what I mean .. I don’t think I can ever convert it fully. I have such a jumble of words swarming in my brain right now I’m just trying to sort them out so it makes sense to me. I do this blog for me, its my therapy, my reflection, my journal its all for me. I post it in case something thats helped me in the result of it helps someone else. I honestly could care less if anyone liked it. Ehh that’s not true …  the fact that some people do read it does make me happy. Maybe if I haven’t yet I’ll help you someday realize something, then again maybe not… but your reading this for some reason so whatever it is i hope you find what your looking for, while I find what I’m looking for.

I wish I could say from this day on I’m going to do whatever I can to get everything I want, I wish I could say im going to begin doing out of the ordinary things to create out of this world moments.

Honestly though as much as I wish I didn’t I care to much about the reaction and it holds me back.

You know how in movies the moments that make you feel something spectacular and you wonder if that would ever happen? Then you think no… its just the movies. I want to make that happen for myself and others but I let the fear of the unknown stop me. Why? shouldn’t I just do it and not care?

I guess today’s just one of those days where I’m more focused on the something missing then the everything is wonderful in my life feeling.

Truth I already don’t want to post this because of what people may say. People will read this and think I’m sad or that somethings wrong and thats not it, at all. Theres nothing wrong I just want more. I want more to feel, I want the magic feeling that the movies make you feel is possible. I wish I could create that.

If my friend is sad I want to show up at her door in the middle of the night with one of her most favorite things just to see her smile, I want to just show up at my grandmas unannounced to see her face light up in surprise, I want to tell the boy I like him, and then if hes not as sure prove to him why it would work, I want to tell the boy who it didn’t work out with how amazing he is and that for every moment he was in my life I’m so truly grateful and to not have him in my life would never be an option. I want to let others know how great they are, I want to tell a random stranger they are beautiful, I want to help a random mom with her bags out to the car while she carries the screaming child, I want to sit with the man sitting alone at a restaurant to hear his life stories, I want to volunteer, I want to never think a negative thought about anyone, I want to tell someone that it honestly will be okay and know i made them believe it.

Some of this may seem simple and some of it is .. some of it is so so so easy to do and some of it others already do, but i know we all have a list of stuff we wish we did but we don’t. This is just a small (very small) not even close to everything I have on mine list to show as an example. I wish I spent every moment doing something I’m proud of. I don’t want to miss out on the magic. I want to take the magic that I feel from a movie or from a song and I want to create it for myself and create it for others.

I begin writing this, then as I was writing it I paused to watch One Tree Hill. I promise you before even knowing what tonights episode was really about this was exactly how I was feeling. I was discussing it a bit with Hollie tonight except I couldn’t exactly express to her what I meant entirely. So I came home and just wrote down thoughts, and more thoughts, and then more thoughts. Then I took a break and watched One Tree Hill. Surprisingly the ending quote of tonight’s episode like sums this all up. Not exactly of course, but I couldn’t believe how close it was to how I was feeling. The ending quote was from Robert R. McCammon and here it is

“”You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the past, the present and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves.

After you go so far away from it, though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.

That’s what I believe.”

Again not exactly what I’m trying to say but pretty damn close and still so amazingly true.